A Matter of Kindness
by Miss Lestrade
Summary: How can Rodney heal someone who has been through something not even he can accept? It's a matter of pain, trust, assistance, rejection, forgiveness, and above all, kindness. It's probably slash. Rated very strong T to light M. Please read warnings.
1. Pain

_A Matter of Kindness  
_

_Pain _

**Warnings**: Very sensitive material. Partial descriptions of rape and foul language.  
**Rated**: VERY VERY STRONG T. Be warned!  
**Spoilers**: None  
**Summary**: How can Rodney heal someone who has been through something not even he can accept? It's a matter of pain, trust, assistance, rejection, forgiveness, and above all, kindness. Disclaimer: I do not own SGA. I do not. I do not.  
**Notes**: This is a serious one, people. But please don't leave the story yet. Sheppard's a strong one.

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Sheppard awoke slowly, feeling as if his head were about to explode. The moment he snapped into full awareness, his eyes widened and he flipped onto his side, heaving. Once the insistent gagging finally ceased, he scrambled away to the nearest wall. Pushing himself against it, Sheppard closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

_"You don't want me." It was more of a plea than a statement. _

_"Actually, John, I do." whispered the woman, her voice a warm touch in his ear. Sheppard felt his stomach do a few flips as her hands moved up his prone chest. He shuddered and she grinned, sickly and reptilian. _

Sheppard groaned, trying to shut out every memory that kept invading his conscious thoughts. Without noticing it, his fingers went up to massage his wrist.

_She pinned him up against the backboard of the bed, using her full weight to keep her prey down and unmoving. While he was there, she'd bound his wrists and ankles. John, however, had given up all dignity and pride he had. He struggled. He abandoned his sarcastic cajoling and insulting to resort to struggling. However, the alien was stronger. She snaked her tongue around the colonel's collar bone and bit down on his neck. Sheppard actually had to choke back a small hiss of pain. _

Holding his stomach, John began to feel sick again. With a sigh, he let his head rest against the wall. What now?

_The woman had finally, after getting kicked in the legs a few times, gotten every scrap of clothing off Sheppard's thin frame. The man groaned, huddling, in the corner. He knew what she wanted, and he knew she could get it. But she chose to tease him instead. _

_She stalked around him, forcing Sheppard's hazel eyes to track her every move. Then she would quickly run up to him, making Sheppard force himself farther into the wall, eyes widening instantaneously. Then she would move away, watching his body relax a bit. Then it was back to the beginning. _

John knew he couldn't have overpowered her. She must've been on drugs or something, because everything he did had absolutely no effect. He's kicked, squirmed, bit, and thrashed, but everything he did had only come back like a boomerang to him.

_The alien had grown tired of waiting. She eyed the man before her with a frightening hunger and need. "Your time's up, John." she hissed. She reached down, grabbed his hair and dragged him to the bed. All John could do as she pinned him down, running her hands everywhere across his body, was pray that it would be over soon. _

Sheppard was shocked to find tears running down his eyes. No, they weren't tears of horrible despair. He was in pain. Shivering, he tried straightening his legs, but with a moan, he realized that hurt too. The only position that didn't have him biting his lip in discomfort was sitting, leaning more onto his side on his hip. But that also left him feeling exposed, even though the woman had been kind enough to return his boxers.

Hating himself, the alien, and his team for not coming sooner, John gave up on staying still and crawled across the cool floor to the door. The bruises on his ribs and groin hindered this action a bit, but he managed to make it.

Now it was time to stand. He was about to use the handle to pull himself up when it just turned under his weak grip and relented. Blinking confusedly, Sheppard barely noticed the flare of pain everywhere in his body as he used the wall to stand. The door had just opened.

Looking out into the hallway, the colonel's military thinking started to crawl back into his head. Keep low, don't make a sound. He was actually a few steps down the hallway when a chilled, forceful hand wrapped itself around the back of his neck. He nearly cried out in pain as the person to whom the hand belonged dragged him roughly down the hall. Sheppard flinched when an arm fastened itself around his chest to hurry him, but his reaction only caused the arm to press into his ribs harder, making him whimper.

"The princess had expected you to be gone by now." a male voice drawled, hoisting Sheppard up by the armpits.

"Yeah?" Sheppard struggled. "I have…a habit…of overstaying my welcome…" he cried out in pain when the guard entwined his hand into Sheppard's hair and pulled back.

"You should not speak unless you are spoken to."

"Why not?"

This response left Sheppard gagging as a boot connected with his stomach. Limp and completely out of willpower, the colonel let the guard drag him down the hall and through a door. Surprisingly, the door led to the outside. The warmth of the breeze was like a gentle caress from the bite of the cold air inside the building.

Growling, the guard held Sheppard down by the neck. "Not so fast, my friend." he hissed. "I have yet to receive any payment." The guard easily disposed of the boxers and forced himself upon the trembling, pleading man under him. The prisoner's screams of pain were barely forced back by the guard's hand.

The rest of the journey to the gate was all a complete blur to Sheppard, who was barely conscious. His mind could no longer think clearly through the mess of pain, anger, shame, and terror. The only good thing was that he'd gotten his boxers back.

Stepping up the stone steps to the stargate, the guard deposited Sheppard on the ground, smirked, and left. A few hours must have passed when John finally opened his eyes. Whimpering in pain, he rolled over onto his back and stared up at the thing above his head. It was the DHD.

TBC…

Please review. Did you love it? Think it was cruel? Hate it? Whatever you though, I have to know. Since the story is finished, however, it won't really have an affect on my writing.Now I don't want to get in trouble. This is the only chapter that might be rated a light M. Should I change the whole story to M?


	2. Trust

_A Matter of Kindness_

_Trust_

Rodney McKay sighed in ecstasy as he stuffed the remainder of the chocolate chip Powerbar into his mouth. Zelenka looked up and stared at him, pulling a disapproving and slightly disgusted look on his face.

"Yep Wadek?" Rodney ground out, barely able to talk through the mouthful of creamy chocolaty goodness.

"You are behaving like a pig!" The Czech snapped, returning to his work with a huff. McKay snorted indifferently.

"You're not the one with the hypoglycemia now are you?" snarled Rodney. "You know, if I didn't have this right now…" The physicist was about to continue when Elizabeth's voice crackled on his radio.

"Go ahead, Elizabeth." said Rodney, giving Zelenka one last glare.

"Colonel Sheppard hasn't come back yet, and he's an hour overdo."

"He's probably fine. You know how irresponsibly ignorant he can be."

"Rodney!" Elizabeth sounded worried. "You know that he would have called." The scientist sighed, scrubbing a hand across his face. He knew that Elizabeth was right. Sheppard would have most likely called, even if the marines with him didn't think of it. After all, Rodney would never admit it, but Sheppard was pretty damn intelligent.

"Well, just don't think about it. He'll be back soon."

"I hope so. Weir out."

Rodney blinked. Why had Elizabeth called him anyway? It wasn't as if he could do anything about what that Sheppard did off world. However, he couldn't fully concentrate after Weir's interruption. Every time he tried not to think about what sort of trouble Sheppard had probably gotten himself into, his stomach would flip and he'd lose track of what he was doing. Zelenka had already corrected him on a few measurements.

"Just go to the control room for a while. Or the mess hall. It is past lunch." Zelenka said helpfully, giving Rodney a glance.

"What? You think I don't know that? Why else would I be eating, you Czech…person!" snapped McKay. The truth was he actually had no idea that it was past lunch. That's why he'd been so hungry.

"Well…fine." With that, Rodney stalked from the room. Atlantis was warm, but he still felt a bit shivery as he walked toward the mess hall. His thoughts however, were distant and he soon found himself at the doors to the control room.

Elizabeth was pacing in her office. "We tried calling him and got no response." she muttered when Rodney appeared in the doorway. Her worried brown eyes were large but her position was very leader-like in McKay's opinion.

Rodney nodded. He couldn't shake off the cold, sickening feeling that something bad had happened. After all, bad luck was the colonel's constant companion. "I'm sending someone. McKay, go with Lorne's team. Be ready in ten minutes." Rodney nodded wordlessly and rushed from the office. Normally, he wasn't the kind of person to rush off to an unknown planet where someone was possibly being held hostage, but it was what Sheppard would have done.

A few minutes later, everyone was set to go. Lorne fingered his P-90 anxiously and nodded in confirmation when the control room finally told him to go. McKay was right on his heels, the scientist wearing a rare, determined look on his features. Finally the team stepped through.

It was a good thing that they didn't rush through the 'gate, otherwise Lorne would have stepped on and probably fallen over his CO. The major froze, and so did McKay, who was still directly behind him.

"Oh my god." he whispered as Lorne gestured to a marine.

"Dial back Atlantis."

McKay shoved his way past Lorne and knelt down beside his friend. Sheppard's bare chest was covered in bruises, and he was pale as a sheet. Tremors ran through his body, and his eyes were screwed shut. As Rodney reached out to him, they suddenly snapped open and he whimpered and jerked away. Everything was a fog in McKay's brain, and he heard himself whispering and talking desperately to Sheppard, trying to coax some sort of lucid response out of him.

Sheppard turned his head weakly to blink up at Rodney.

"Ro'ney?" he muttered, his words slurred and voice raw.

"Yeah, it's me. You OK, Sheppard? Well, obviously not…"

"It hurts."

McKay's heart nearly stopped at those words. Sheppard usually only admitted he was in pain when said pain was torturous agony. McKay tried to place a hand on his neck for a pulse, but Sheppard flinched away again. His eyes were glassy and terrified. Lorne hovered closely,wearing a very Ronon-like face that promised revenge on the planet.

"God, what is wrong with you?" McKay whispered to John, pulling his hands back.

"Don't." Sheppard whispered, sounding almost near a sob. The man looked anywhere but at McKay.

"Don't what?"

"Touch me."

McKay was thrown way off by those two simple words. They could mean so many things. Sheppard didn't trust him. Sheppard didn't want his help. Sheppard was afraid of him.

"Fine. I won't." said McKay, trying not to look at the bruises and the quick, labored rise and fall of his friend's chest. Sheppard seemed to relax at this, and he let out a breath he'd been holding. Lorne tapped Rodney's shoulder, nodding toward Sheppard. Rodney knew what the man was trying to say. They were going to have to pick him up.

"Uh…sorry, colonel, but unless you can get up and walk without keeling over, which is obviously impossible, we're going to have to carry you."

Sheppard shook his head vehemently, gasping and crying out when Lorne and McKay tried to get a grip on him, no matter how gentle. He jerked, flinched, or jumped whenever someone so much as brushed against him.

Rodney's throat was constricting and his heart was twisting. "John!" he cried, in a last desperate attempt. "No one's going to hurt you! I swear, please believe me! No…trust me."

Sheppard stopped squirming for a moment. His eyes were still filled with fear and he was still trembling, but he nodded. "I do." he whispered. It took all of his self control, but he didn't fight their hands anymore.

Finally, after much gentle coaxing and whispered words of comfort, they had gotten through the 'gate. The moment they were through, Sheppard's eyes rolled back into his head and he went limp in Rodney's arms, the one who had been supporting most of his weight.

As everyone rushed to help, Elizabeth practically flew down the stairs, calling for a medical team.

_Oh God, John._ She thought. _What have you gotten yourself in to?_

TBC…

That wasn't so bad was it? Just make sure to send Shep your love. By the way, if you couldn't tell, I suck at writing long chapters.


	3. Assistance

_A Matter of Kindness_

_Assistance_

Rodney could scarcely breathe. His dark sky blue irises were wide, but not as wide as Sheppard's deep hazel ones. John was a grotesque picture of pain and fear. Unruly dark hair stood out shockingly with his pale skin, making his eyes look sunken and hollow. Rodney's gaze traveled emptily to Carson, who was leaning over the gurney, struggling to calm the panicking colonel. Everything seemed to be flowing in slow motion.

"Stop." The scientist said quickly, breaking the haze. Carson paused for a moment, turning to face Rodney. The Scot's hands were shaking ever so slightly, and he looked as shocked and sick as everyone else.

"What?" he said. Even Sheppard seemed to have stopped struggling so much now that Carson wasn't trying so hard to keep him down.

"Not you, Carson." Rodney turned to Sheppard, eyes silently begging his friend to stop being so damn stubborn. The colonel broke the connection, hunching his shoulders and looking down. He pulled his knees submissively up to his chest and placed his forehead against them.

What surprised the crowd in the room more was that he didn't pull away when Carson slowly reached out and touched his back. He tensed visibly, but didn't pull away. Carson turned back one last time to gape at McKay, and then hurried the gurney to a bed.

Elizabeth and Teyla were next to rush into the crowded infirmary. The Athosian's eyes were wide and shimmering with unshed tears that were also banned from appearing. She ran up to Rodney, touched his arm, and looked into his haggard face. Elizabeth stood next to her, wringing her hands.

"What happened?"

"How would I know? Do I look like a doctor slash sheep herder to you?" snarled Rodney helplessly, stalking away to a chair. The women let him go. They both knew they could not change McKay's coping mechanisms. Rodney sat tensely, staring up at the white ceiling of the infirmary as Beckett's horde of nurses bustled around the bed and around Carson, who was popping out orders and demands for blood tests and other forms of indignity.

What seemed like only seconds later, Carson was standing over him. Elizabeth was waiting, arms crossed, next to Teyla and Ronon. The Satedan had come in a few minutes earlier. Rodney stood, heart beating quickly in his chest. When Beckett opened his mouth but no sound came out, Rodney knew. For the first time, Carson Beckett, miracle doctor, the best in two galaxies, was speechless. Then again, he was a giant marshmallow. Carson swallowed. "I…dunno how to tell ye this." He started.

"Hm…you could start by telling us what happened!" yelled Rodney. Elizabeth glared at him. Carson nodded.

"He…colonel Sheppard…"

"Yes?" asked a trembling Teyla. Even she could sense the bad news coming.

Carson shook his head in defeat. "I think he…was raped." The stunned silence that followed those words was cut only by the sound of a sharp gasp and the sound of breath being held and choked on.

"What?" whispered Rodney. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be. "You mean he was…by a…" Carson shook his head.

"I think I know what yer goin' to say, Rodney, and the answer is no. I think the first was a woman."

"A woman?" Rodney felt sick, but almost smug. He'd always known Sheppard was Kirk. Suddenly, however, he hated himself for even thinking like that. Heart shriveling up and dying, McKay sank into the chair. Elizabeth slowly removed the hand from her mouth. The words 'How do you know?' sat on the tip of her tongue, but she bit them back.

Suddenly, Rodney paled even further. "Wait. 'The first was a woman'? What do you mean?" he was afraid already knew the answer. "You're saying that…that…"

"He was raped by more than one person. The other was male.Besides the obvious, there was a different pattern of bruisin'. It's a wee hard to explain... but there was also more a-around his lower back and thighs." Carson looked ready to fall apart while he accounted Sheppard's condition.

Tears ran down Elizabeth's face and Rodney struggled with the urge to run from the room, throwing up everything he'd eaten since he was sixteen.

"Is he alright?" asked Teyla.

"Aye, he was lucky. He's got a few bruised ribs and brusin' elsewhere, as I said. He's also got some minor lacerations on his side, and he's dehydrated. But that's basically it."

"Elsewhere?" Elizabeth prompted. Carson sighed. He really wished he could yell at everyone to back off on the questioning. Every time he had to repeat himself, it felt like a punch in the gut.

"Aye. He's got some nasty ones on his torso, arms, and legs. He's got a bit on his wrists as well. And his ankles." Each word was deliberately forced, Carson silently begging for Weir to take the hint. How many times did he have to go over this?

"Did you give him anything for the pain?"

"Well, he wasn't in much as far as I could tell. After Rodney told him…to stay still…he stayed quiet. Barely resisted. I didn't want to risk it anyway. I'm worried he may have been drugged, so I'm running some blood tests. Once I'm sure there isn't any danger, I could give him something."

Elizabeth nodded. Teyla looked weary, Rodney was still terrified, and Ronon looked furious as well as…was that disappointment? "I'll stay with him." Rodney muttered, before he even registered what he was saying. He was so used to those words coming out of his mouth now. Elizabeth knew that he wouldn't take no for an answer, no matter what anyone told him. Sheppard and McKay were almost like brothers, no matter how different they were in terms of personality. They trusted one another.

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As suddenly as the infirmary was blaring with the sound of beeping and people yelling, it was suddenly quiet and dark. Nurses were still running tests, and Beckett was hovering, but Sheppard was relatively calm. He was sitting in the middle of the bed, legs curled under him, playing absently with a thread on the blanket.

Rodney sat next to him, horribly aware of the awkward silence and heavy air between them. Sheppard could be idiotically stubborn when it came to dealing with his dignity. He hated it when people saw him as weak or helpless. It killed him. It really did. And it made it worse when he was weak and helpless.

He would occasionally tense up in pain, or when someone walked by. Rodney would lean forward at the sudden change in posture, but then slowly sit back when Sheppard relaxed again. They sat like that for about thirty minutes. Finally, like an angel coming to the rescue, Beckett walked up to the bed. He checked Sheppard's IV, careful not to make unneeded contact.

He held a penlight in his hands. "Look up for me, son." he said gently. Sheppard raised his head and looked into the penlight, wincing. "You're pupils are reacting normally." Unspoken questions hung in the air as Carson placed the light in his pocket.

"We might have found tiny traces of a foreign substances in your blood, colonel, but I need you to tell me if…they gave you anything. Did you have anything to drink at all? Any symptoms?" With that, Sheppard's gaze shifted to Rodney and back in less than a second. He opened his mouth but closed it again, looking exactly like a wild animal backed into a very small corner. After a moment of careful thought, Sheppard finally shrugged his shoulders and went back to toying with the loose string.

Rodney sighed and looked over the colonel's huddled frame. Instead of looking trapped, he now seemed lost, like a small child away from its mother. He was absently rubbing his wrists, and the small action kept gnawing at Rodney's heart. "Colonel, I'm gonna need to examine you again." Carson sounded as if he wished he didn't have to.

Sheppard's head snapped up and Rodney saw real terror in the depths of his eyes. "It's OK." The physicist tried to assure, not sure how to handle a rape victim. Oh god. It sounded so horrible when he said it._Victim_. "Carson doesn't want to make your life hell. It's his job to." Sheppard looked pleadingly at McKay when he heard the sarcastic retort from the side of his bed, trying to beg for rescue.

The next words that came out of Rodney's mouth next were a few that he would forever deny saying. "What if I help?" he asked quickly, turning to face Carson. The doctor could only stare, struck dumb, at the man beside him.

"Excuse me?" was all he could muster.

"What if I help? I think…I think he trusts me more." Sheppard neither confirmed nor denied the statement, but looked up at the doctor with a large, glassy pair of puppy dog eyes. If it made his patient more comfortable, Carson couldn't say no.

Rodney couldn't believe that he was actually helping undress and hold onto Sheppard to keep the colonel from screwing the whole thing over and bolting from the infirmary. It was crazy. How could he have ever volunteered for this kind of thing? It was horrible. Sheppard's constant trembling and whimpers of fear made Rodney tighten his grip on the man's shoulder, which made a bit more pain for him to handle. It was a vicious cycle of prodding, pain, and clinging. But part of Rodney kept on nagging; 'He's your best friend for Christ's sake! He'd do anything for you!' So Rodney helped. He kept a constant hand on the colonel's shoulder, and spoke to distract him from all of Carson's examining.

"So…uh..."

"What?" rasped Sheppard, clutching the sheet to his stomach. He'd finally gotten used to McKay's presence during the exam and the wrapping of his ribs. It was almost over anyway. But he was getting a bit unnerved by Rodney's stuttering and quietness. It was also the first time he'd talked to anyone. Carson looked up, thrown off by John's sudden willingness to speak.

"Ummm…" McKay muttered, desperately searching for something to say. He couldn't think of anything nor could he meet Sheppard's eyes. John obviously noticed this and he whispered a frightened apology, turning away. McKay was doing exactly what he hated. He was treating him with kid gloves; like a victim.

_You deserve it. You are one._ said a voice in his head. Discouraged, Sheppard closed his eyes and waited for everyone to just leave him alone.

TBC…

Ahem! There isn't any intended romance in this story. (I think I mentioned that already, didn't I?) Just thought I'd clear that up. But I guess if you squint and turn sideways, standing on your head, you might be able to see it that way.


	4. Rejection

_A Matter of Kindness_

_Rejection_

After that day when they brought Sheppard back, he hadn't said a word. Not to McKay, not to Carson, and certainly not to anyone else. He cried, groaned, frowned, slapped, and on rare occasions, a ghost of a smile would appear. But he never spoke. Carson blamed Rodney, but it didn't seem the scientist was the problem. Sheppard clung onto him like they were the last people left in the world.

The good news was that Carson hadn't found any traces of foreign substances in Sheppard's bloodstream, and nothing unexpected happened when they tried giving him some light painkillers.

"Why is he doing this?" Rodney groaned to Carson as Sheppard clutched his arm in a death grip.

"He trusts you."

"Why me?"

"Honestly, Rodney, I don't know. But if it calms him down when you're here, then yer stayin'." Rodney frowned, but his expression softened when Sheppard looked up at him guiltily as if to say, 'Sorry for being like this.'

Lorne had come back from the planet about two days earlier, reporting that the marines Sheppard had been with were all missing. He seemed rather shaken about it. No one, however, had told Sheppard.

On Tuesday, McKay was sitting behind the colonel on his bed, holding his shoulders while Carson did a final check on his ribs. John was still flinching, but not as much. Besides, he had reason to be happy. He was getting out of the infirmary tomorrow. Carson hadn't wanted to let him go so early, but Kate had insisted it would be best for his recovery.

Rodney rubbed a small circle into the bony shoulder underneath his hand when Sheppard shuddered slightly. To him, this whole weak Sheppard thing was a giant mistake. It wasn't supposed to be like this. John should have been the one sitting behind McKay, encouraging and comforting him. This was totally screwed up.

So, in Rodney's brain, treating the colonel normally seemed to be working. And in a way, it was. Rodney was probably the only person on the base who was treating the poor man like he wasn't a victim. Elizabeth didn't touch him at all…she just stood by his bed and whispered things. Teyla was unnaturally delicate with Sheppard, at the most holding his hand. Ronon, well, Ronon was Ronon.

Rodney nudged Sheppard in the back when his friend scooted backward to escape the cool touch of the stethoscope. "Hey, hey! Colonel, I've got no room back here." Sheppard's spiky head turned slightly to look at McKay, and then he sighed and stayed still. One thing that everyone had to agree on was that the one John Sheppard trusted to be there was Rodney McKay.

As the hours dragged on, McKay became more and more weary. It was getting harder and harder to be with Sheppard, who cringed at every approach and kept a hand permanently affixed to Rodney's sleeve. For someone who hated being treated like a weakling, he couldn't stand being alone. When McKay would huff off looking for food, he would turn back and see Sheppard's wide-eyed-puppy-dog stare of hurt. It was starting to get old.

The next day, Sheppard seemed ecstatic that he was getting out of the infirmary. Carson, however, was a constant shadow to him, asking how he was and making sure he didn't keel over. "Easy, colonel, ye don't want to do anythin' stupid now, right?" the doctor asked as he suddenly materialized beside Sheppard. The colonel jumped, snapping around with a small squeak.

As Carson was avidly apologizing, Rodney walked in. Zelenka had blown something up again and his entire team was slacking off and being complete idiots. So, naturally, he was pissed at everything that walked in front of him.

"What're you grinning at?" he muttered at Sheppard. His friend's smile fell instantly to see Rodney in a bad mood. Carson scowled.

"Seriously, Carson, why do I have to babysit him?"

"We've been through this Rodney. He wouldn't be as comfortable with anyone else." Sheppard looked down and suddenly found the sheet very interesting. He was startled out of his wits by a loud snap right next to his ear. In a sudden burst of annoyance, he gave McKay a small whack to the hand.

"OW! How come he gets to hit me?"

"I think he deserved it." said Carson flatly. The doctor would always, in some way, regret saying those words.

"Are you SERIOUS?"

Once Rodney was off, it was hard to stop him, especially when the past few days were crashing down upon him. "I don't fucking care! He had us all running around in circles going crazy worrying for him! He couldn't stay out of trouble if he sat in his quarters all day and prayed! He prances off with that stupid flyboy smile of his and next thing you know he's getting raped by some alien girl!"

If looks could kill, half of Atlantis would crumble into flames. Carson's jaw twitched and he looked ready to throw the Hippocratic Oath screaming out of the window and beat the _crap_ of Rodney. Sheppard was sinking more and more into the bed and his eyes were like saucers. He was a few shades paler; shaking like someone had slapped him across the face for the very first time.

"You, my friend, are one manic son of a bitch! You do this every time! I know you're in there, Sheppard, but you'd rather crawl into a hole and hide. And what kind of flirtatious idiot like you goes off hunting for hot women and them comes back bawling when she's too rough?" McKay finally stopped, pulling in air through his teeth. Part of him felt justified and satisfied, but a sickening feeling of dread was creeping into his stomach.

"How could you know how I feel?" Sheppard's eyes had gone completely glassy with a mixture of shock, anger, and pain. With his pale skin and dark hair, the effect was silencing. Carson, too shocked to move, merely watched as Sheppard uncurled is hands from the sheet, reaching out slightly and then withdrawing them again with a change of heart.

"You're so fucking full of yourself." whispered Sheppard. "Why? I never got why, Rodney. You just can't wait to shove everyone away. I thought that maybe…" Sheppard broke off too pull in a shuddering breath and McKay took a step back.

"You know what? I can't even scream and say I hate you. I don't. You're the best friend I've got! Why can't you understand?" With a small groan of utter defeat, Sheppard curled into himself tightly, wrapping his arms around himself. And then he sobbed. Quietly at first, but soon they grew steadily, raw and painful. Rodney, feeling a strong urge to leap off something very tall, bolted from the room.

Carson stared down at his patient and slowly sat down next to him, wrapping an arm around his quaking shoulders. A few of the nurses had heard the commotion, but were stepping back. Sheppard didn't pull away from the doctor's grip and let Carson try to comfort him. But what good could it do?

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Beckett was on the hunt. He hated it when his patients were harassed and hurt like this, especially when said patients were his friends. No, his family. He slid into Rodney's lab, seeing no one but Zelenka present. "Where is he?"

The Czech turned quickly at the ice in Beckett's voice. "I…who?"

"McKay."

"Ah…not here. I haven't seen him since I…er...accidentally miscalculated a few numbers."

Carson sighed, and some of the anger seeped out of him. He didn't really have the strength to pursue this. Carson knew that being an evil son of a bitch was only a coping mechanism for Rodney, but sometimes one just couldn't excuse his behavior. Numbly, Carson wondered what was going on inside his friends' heads.

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Elizabeth sat in silence, staring blankly at the forms in front of her. The white of the paper was so hideously bright that she could barely stand to look at it. Suddenly, her radio came to life in her ear.

_"Elizabeth, this is Beckett." _

"Go ahead."

_"Rodney's just let everything he'd been holdin' in these past days out at colonel Sheppard." _

"I don't like the sound of that." said Elizabeth warily.

"Aye. I just wanted to ask ye to let me know if ye see him around. I've got a few things to say to him." Elizabeth was slightly worried and startled by the dark tone of Carson's voice.

"Alright." She didn't ask how Sheppard was, for she feared she already knew the answer.

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"Rodney!" exclaimed Teyla, a little more than shocked to see Rodney run into the training gym. The scientist was clutching his side, gasping. He shut the door quickly, rushing to the side wall and leaning against it to catch his breath.

"They won't…look…for me here." he said weakly, holding his chest. Teyla was also shocked to see what looked like tears forming in his eyes.

"Are you alright? Is it the Colonel?"

Rodney shook his head. He shuddered as he sank down on the bench near the window. "It's me. I…said some things I…shouldn't have."

"Things?" repeated Teyla worriedly. She narrowed her eyes.

Rodney nodded, covering his face with his hands. He pulled in a shuddering breath and removed them, staring at Teyla with tear-filled eyes. Slightly frightened by this sudden emotion from her teammate, the Athosian sat down next to him. "I screwed up. I totally fucked up. He hates me, and Carson's probably planning out my death as we speak. God, I didn't mean it!" whimpered Rodney, sniffing loudly.

Teyla reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Colonel Sheppard could never hate you." She assured, wondering what McKay had said. But she knew that if it had shaken the scientist this much, then it had been bad. Very bad.

TBC…

I like to think that this is my own little cliffhanger. Yay!


	5. Forgiveness

_A Matter of Kindness_

_Forgiveness_

Sheppard stared up at his ceiling, the soft hum of Atlantis trying to entice him into sleeping. He shook his head, rolling onto his side. The pain was mostly gone now, but there was still a noticeable ache that prevented him most of the time from being completely comfortable.

He sucked in a deep breath and let it out through his nose, calming his buzzing mind. He couldn't believe Rodney had really said those things. A deep anger was simmering in his body, but surprisingly it had only appeared an hour or so ago. He had barely been aware of his own words, and he had only snapped out of it when Carson began talking to him. He winced just thinking about it. He'd lost control of the tenacious hold he'd always had on his emotions.

Sighing, John closed his eyes.

_"He hates you." she whispered, circling him like an overgrown cat. _

_"No he doesn't. He's just McKay. It's what he does." Sheppard protested, watching the alien with morbid fascination. How could she know these things? The woman tilted her head, making a small clicking noise with her tongue. She reached out and brushed her hand along Sheppard's jaw. _

_"Oh, John, you're wrong. He thinks you're weak. He doesn't think you're being honest." _

_"He doesn't?"_

_"No." _

_The alien laughed, a bitter and manic burst of sound. "You poor, poor man. Come here." Horrified, but unable to snap out of his trance-like state, Sheppard crawled over to her and laid his head across her lap. "You will see." She hummed, stroking his hair like he was some sort of pet. _

_"You will see."_

John awoke with a strangled gasp, unable to sit up for a moment. Trembling, skin tingling strangely, Sheppard finally pulled himself upright. He put a tentative hand on his heart, which felt like it was trying to fly out of his ribcage. He pulled his knees up to his chest, a now common position for him. Wrapping his arms tightly around his legs, he felt the fear inside him clawing its way to the surface. The anger was like a small flame trying to stay alive during a hurricane. He dug his palms into his eyes, trying to rub away the sleep. Finally, he gained enough composure to push a hand through his sweat-dampened hair and get untangled from the sheets.

He winced when his bare feet touched the cool floor, starting up a whole new round of shivering. God, it was freezing in here. He rushed into the bathroom, the tingling sensation still present, snapping at him. He barely waited for the water to warm up before placing himself directly under its spray. The stream was hard on his bruised back, pounding his spine mercilessly. His hair quickly plastered down over his eyes and forehead. It felt so good, though… as if the water could wash away everything he'd felt over the past few days.

By the time he forced himself to leave the shower, he was shivering all over again. John spent a bit of time examining his body's many bruises before pulling on a pair of sweatpants he found at the bottom of the drawer. As he struggled with a shirt, he noticed the warm light of the sun starting to reach through his window. It threw a beautiful shimmer onto everything in the room, relaxing him a bit more.

He found some slippers, which Sheppard tugged on as well. They were pretty comfortable. Normally, he wouldn't want to be caught dead in the halls of Atlantis with pink slippers on, but what the hell.

The colonel was about thirty feet down the darkened hallway when he stopped. He had no idea where he was heading off to. It was too chilly this time of morning to go outside, and he'd just taken a really nice shower. He wasn't ready to lose that warmth yet.

As his thoughts began to run away with him, he remembered hearing something about Carson finding Rodney and giving the man the chewing out of his life. Sheppard snickered a bit, momentarily forgetting he was the subject of the lecture. He hated being around when the good doctor went into If-you-interrupt-me-I'll-murder-you-I-swear lecture mode.

Sheppard sighed. He really didn't want to see McKay for the rest of his life. He wasn't angry, but he couldn't shake what the alien woman had said in his dream. Did McKay really think of him like that? Was he really like that? Sheppard then remembered not talking to anyone. It hadn't been that he couldn't talk, he just didn't have anything to say. He also remembered clinging onto McKay for dear life. This was slightly harder to explain. Somehow he'd just felt so much more able to trust him. He'd felt safe. He shuddered slightly. "Eww." he muttered.

Since Sheppard had begun walking again, he hadn't been paying any attention to where he was going. Just aimlessly wandering helped to calm his nerves. However, his feet had taken him somewhere he originally had no intention of going. With a jolt, he stared wide-eyed at the door in front of him. He was right outside McKay's lab. After battling with himself for a few moments, he drew in a deep breath, opened the door and slid in. It was mostly dark, except for a tiny bit of light shining through the window. At first glance, Sheppard couldn't see anyone there. About to turn around, he noticed a lump curled over an open laptop. The lump had short brown hair that was sticking up at unnaturally funny angles.

Sheppard moved closer, picking his way carefully through the stools and tables littered with devices and papers. He leaned over the lump just to make sure it was Rodney, and was rewarded with a soft snore. Definitely Rodney. He grimaced down at his friend's sleeping form. Rodney was the only one he knew who blew off steam by staring at a computer screen for hours and then falling asleep on the keyboard. Silently, Sheppard pulled up a stool and sat next to the slumbering physicist, leaning over the table and crossing his arms over it.

Rodney awoke with a small groan. There was a dull pain in his cheek, and he soon noticed it was because of said cheek being glued to his keyboard. Wincing, he blinked slowly. With a horrible jolt, he realized he wasn't alone. Tired hazel eyes were watching him tentatively, being attached to a spiky head, which was of course attached to Sheppard.

Rodney defensively stood, still jittery at the thought of Sheppard sneaking in and watching him sleep. "What're you, a stalker?" he could have sworn Sheppard raised his eyebrows.

"That's disgusting. It was morning when I came in."

"Yeah, what was that, 1 in the a.m.?"

"No," snapped Sheppard. "Six."

Rodney noticed the dark circles under Sheppard's eyes and his tense posture. Of course…nightmare. "Why did…you…come here?" Rodney inquired nervously. Sheppard stayed quiet, glancing down at his hands.

"To apologize." he finally admitted. The force of those simple words had Rodney gaping in confusion. Why would Sheppard apologize to him? After Rodney had berated him, accused him of being weak, and had been a total son of a bitch, Sheppard didn't hate him. McKay had never been able to get close to anyone, because he always forced them out. His parents, his sister, his friends…He didn't even tell everything on his mind to Katie Brown, and he actually loved her. And of course, being too stupid to know when to quit, Sheppard had managed to befriend Dr. Rodney McKay.

"Look, John," Rodney had managed to find his nonexistent voice. The use of his first name had Sheppard looking up, slightly startled. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it…I just couldn't look at you and not see…what I'm trying to say is…" Rodney was getting increasingly desperate, and he felt tears blurring his vision. "I know that you wouldn't…I…" Suddenly, he found himself with an armful of Sheppard, the colonel's slender arms wrapped firmly around his back. The pilot had moved so quietly that Rodney hadn't even noticed his approach. Shocked, he reached up and hugged John back, gingerly.

"I know." Sheppard's words were muffled by Rodney's shoulder. Giving him one last squeeze before letting go, the colonel stepped back, his hands still on McKay's shoulders. His features had relaxed, and he smiled uncertainly. McKay met his eyes and tried to smile back. Sheppard had truly forgiven him. After everything he'd been through, and everything Rodney had said, he'd forgiven him.

"I can't believe I just did that." said Sheppard suddenly, stepping back and wiping his hands on his shirt. "Gross!"

"Hey! You're the gross one! It's not my fault you suddenly went all touchy-feely on me! OK, who are you and what have done with John Sheppard?"

"You hugged back!" Sheppard grinned like a child who was about to bolt and go tattle on someone.

"Oh, son of a… you little…if this little display gets out everyone will think I've gone soft!"

"I think I'm unwelcome here."

"Damn straight! Shoo! _Shoo_!"

It would take a while, but everything was slowly starting to go back to normal.

---------------

Just the epilogue to go, friends. It's with a heavy heart that I announce the end of this story. God, I nearly cried when I wrote the ending.


	6. Kindness

_A Matter of Kindness_

_Epilogue_

Carson Beckett sat quietly in the back of the rec room. Through a mix of whining and threatening, Rodney had finally managed to convince the people in charge of movies to play reruns of Batman. The physicist was perched up on the edge of the couch, looking as if he wanted to leap up and start mimicking Bruce Wayne's moves. Sheppard has melded into the cushions, wearing a barely concealed smirk as he watched Ronon trying to stifle laughs under his breath. All eyes were on Rodney, who was now twitching with excitement. Carson sighed, biting his lip to stop himself from smiling.

Raising an eyebrow, Teyla asked if Rodney wanted anything.

"Yeah, need some extra caffeine, Rodney?" asked Sheppard innocently.

"What? Why would I need some…oh. Kidding. Of course." With an annoyed glance, McKay reached back and smacked John upside the head.

"Hey!" The colonel returned the blow, ducking when McKay swatted back. Soon, they were chucking pillows at each other and disturbing everyone in the room.

"Break it up, lads." said Beckett, rolling his eyes. It was incredible. Only a month and a half after Sheppard's ordeal and he was already back to his normal, cocky self. Rodney seemed to have no reserves about whacking the man as many times as he could, anyway.

Elizabeth looked over at Carson and smiled. The doctor grinned back, knowing exactly what she was thinking. _We came close to losing him._

"Hey! What the hell is that? Get it OUT of my hair Sheppard! Ow!"

"Ouch! Hey! Give me a second here!"

Carson smiled again, greeted by the image of John leaning over a snapping McKay, trying to retrieve the bits of chocolate from the scientist's hair. Seizing the opportunity, Carson picked up a handful of popcorn and threw it in Rodney's direction.

"C-Carson! You traitor!" The entire room was light with laughter, watching the head of medicine, science, and the military commander attacking each other with snack food. Ronon soon joined in, getting a sigh from Teyla. Elizabeth laughed, placing a hand over her mouth as major Lorne tossed in some pretzels.

As Carson watched the beaming grins and smiles all over the place, he couldn't help but tear up ever so slightly. It's an amazing, resilient thing; the human spirit. _No matter how hard you crush it there's always something there fighting_. Finally, Sheppard grabbed an overrun McKay by the arms and hauled him up, giggling as Rodney snapped at everyone around him, swiping at his hair to brush out the popcorn. "It's all your fault, flyboy." he muttered, leaning back and crossing his arms.

Sheppard did the same, replying to a scowl with a lopsided grin. Carson sat back down on his chair and watched them a bit. After everything their friendship had been through, there they were. There were still walking on some thin ice, but with friends surrounding them and yanking them to safety, everything was slowly returning to the way it was. And Carson realized that it wasn't just a matter of healing and recovering that brought people together. It was a matter of pain, trust, assistance, rejection, forgiveness…

…And above all, kindness.

_Fin _

* * *

  
How'd you like it? I, for one, am quite pleased with the way it turned out. It's kind of like my first real serious fanfic. Yay! 


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